Barry, my second cousin on my adopted aunt’s biological father’s side, is in town, and he had a great recommendation for a cheap and (somewhat) tiny toy that’ll look great on your desk at work. His condition, however, was that he come up with the write-up himself, so being the great long-lost cuz that I am (and he threatened me with bodily harm), I graciously passed the duties of talking about the AntWorks Gel-based Ant Farm ($20) to him. He says he’ll let me go once he’s done. Whatta guy.

Without further ado, here’s Barry:

I just love ants. I love that prickly feeling I get on my legs as they crawl around, searching for food. I especially like it when the tiny little buggers wander into my ear canal, and I spend the next half-hour flushing the area with water, all the while chuckling pleasantly to myself. Yes, I love them so. I also like having hot pokers near my eye sockets.

You can watch these ants all day if you like. The kit’s got that nice blu gel in it where the critters can burrow and make their homes, and have their little insect parties, where one ant’s wife ends up sleeping with his best friend, and he finds out, and they have an argument, and then she disappears. And he laughs and laughs all day until the ant police come and take him away to the ant jail, which they built in the lower right-hand corner adjacent to the day care center, and they put little ant feeler cuffs on him, and he smiles. He smiles that she’s gone, and he knows that the ant judge will let him off the hook because he has incriminating photos of the judge with a larva.

And when he gets out, he burrows to a new side of the farm, and hangs out with his second cousin, who wisely decides to keep his mouth shut about his history or else he’ll get a pincer in his thorax.

Uh, yeah Barry. Thanks for the primer. Now, would you mind loosening the bindings a little? The leather chafes a bit.