If you’re looking for an alternative within the boundaries of this decidedly white plastic-coated iPod nation, look no further than the teeny-tiny MobiBLU DAH-1500i audio player. Just look at the size of this thing! Look at it! Okay, now stop looking at it, you’re making it nervous.
We're giving the DAH-1500i the one-finger salute...with our thumb!
Not to be mistaken for the DAH-1500 (which lacks USB 2.0 and WMA Digital Rights Management, like you really care), the 1500i is one of the smallest flash-based music players on the market, measuring in at just under one square inch. Which side you ask? It’s a cube, dummy; figure it out. The gadget supports playback of MP3, WMA and WMA DRM files, and sports an FM tuner, FM and voice recorder, and an OLED display. Reviews peg the unit’s battery life at around eight hours.

Now wouldn’t you rather have this sugarcube-y little darling than than Apple’s pale stick of gum? If you’re still not convinced, read this true-to-life* transcript of me getting a sales pitch from some guy, who I think was from Cupertino or something, I’m still not sure. All I remember is he had big teeth and smelled like old milk.

Marketing Guy: Wow! It’s the all new, majorly cool, ultra-portable iThingy Haiku! We’re so excited about it, and if you’re as cool as we are, you should be too!

Me: What are you talking about?

Marketing Guy: It’s our new music player, you silly goose! It plays MP3s, WMAs, AACs, PDAs, CODs and ARS files! It comes in a range of colors like pink, puce, and mauve, and thanks to our new Scratch ‘N Whiff™ technology, music lovers can now bask in the scent of Jolly Jackfruit and Merry Merry Menthol while listening to their favorite Englebert Humperdinck songs! Wow!

Me: But why should I choose your product over anyone else’s?

Marketing Guy: Because you’d be an un-hip, unloved orphan if you didn’t, negative nancy! Plus, our device also now supports podcasts, photos, and your increasingly unbearable need to belong! You can’t go wrong with our gadget! Wow!

And then there’s…Wait, forget everything I just said. Hey, HEY! Say hello to our new, new iThingy Haiku, now with video! Cool! Think of all the places your porn could go! Wow!

*Account is fictional and should only be taken seriously by n00bs, suckers, and office workers who spend half their day forwarding e-mail about homosexual Messiahs and cancer-stricken little girls with sponsorship deals. Also, porn makes the baby Jesus cry.